The Legend of Paulbot the Paulistinian
And then God said, ‘Let every man and woman who wishes to be hipster, avant garde, and cool vote for a smooth-talking young black man in the year 2008.26 Then let them vote for an obscure, rambling, old white doctor in 2012.27’ Genesis 2:26-27, “The Lost Verses”
In 1988, Ronald Paul ran for President of the United States as a libertarian and impregnated Radical Devotion and Rebellion. After a twenty-year pregnancy, those mistresses jointly gave birth to a single child in the land of Paulistine. They named him “Paulbot.”
At the time of his birth, Paulbot the Paulistinian was overshadowed by his older brother, Hopenchange. Paulbot watched with the innocent eyes of a newborn as the whole world fawned over infant Hopenchange. As Paulbot grew, he came to resent more and more the attention that Hopenchange had gotten and how little attention he received.
By the time he was four years old, Paulbot was a feisty, rebellious and already a full-grown man. As Hopenchange struggled, Paulbot had grown rapidly and excelled. He quickly began to take over and control those souls which Hopenchange had dominated for years. Paulbot grew in strength as more and more people subscribed to his cause.
But the Paulistinian knew that siren song of “END THE FED!” and “BRING THEM HOME NOW!” would only take him so far. So Paulbot began to brew a powerful elixir. Into his giant mixing pot he threw a Half-Pitcher of Hipsterism, Root of Adolescent Desire to be Cool, Peer Pressure Potion, Amorphous Promise of Liberty Solution, two grams of Gold Standard, Anti-War Hippie Hair, and Essence of Resentment. Finally, Paulbot added one very special ingredient: a drop of the blood of Pop Culture.
It was not long before people of all ages began to drink heavily Paulbot’s powerful elixir. Paulbot laughed and grew more obnoxious as droves of liberals of every variety, college students, servicemen, libertarians, and assorted crackpots imbibed and flocked to his cause. They knew little of the ideals they proclaimed; indeed, many never had the slightest conservative or libertarian inclination. They cared only that it was cool. Paulbot declared that Ron Paul was the political equivalent of Kid Cudi. He was “that new new.” Thus, by February of 2012, Paulbot could claim the allegiance of nearly every man, woman, and child supporting Ron Paul for president.
Paulbot was omnipresent on the presidential campaign trail. In debates, Paulbot applauded enthusiastically every time candidate Paul finished speaking and heckled all of his other opponents. He was at every single campaign stop, inflating campaign rally attendance numbers. He was on the radio singing the praises of the candidate and fighting hard to legitimize his own existence.
Yet as the presidential campaign wore on, Paulbot grew concerned as Ron Paul finished last in consecutive primary contests, never coming close to winning. Paulbot saw his idol’s star begin to fade, and he grew desperate. The Paulistinian abandoned any pretense of legitimate intellectual discussion in desperate attempts to rescue Paul. He flooded comment sections and inboxes with mindless, baseless personal insults and character attacks, declaring any thoughtful critique of the candidate to be hokum. He booed wildly as his idol graciously congratulated other candidates after their convincing primary contest wins.
Yet as the presidential race waned, it became clear that Ron Paul could not win the nomination. Though his sense of humor had died many years before, what remained of Paulbot the Paulistinian’s strength now began to rapidly fade. Paulbot’s doctor, Great Elephant, could find no cure for Paulbot’s sickness. The doctor could do little but give Paulbot doses of caucus and watch as he and his followers slowly lost consciousness and faded from GOP life. With his dying breath, Paulbot the Paulistinain gasped, “I return now to the Kingdom of Eugene V. Debs. Teddy Kennedy is here to take me away.” And with that, he was gone.
Chester McFisticuffs :: Washington University :: Washington, DC