I don’t know you, but I bet you’re an animal lover. I’m one, too. It’s okay to be an animal lover and a conservative. The problem with “animal rights activists” is twofold: They fail to understand that conservation itself is unnatural, and they ignore the most successful methods for conservation anyway.

Stop clubbing, baby seals!

Take PETA, for instance. The golden calf that left-wing slacktivists worship has this little gem on its website: Living in Harmony With House Mice.

“Rats are very playful, love to be tickled, and make chirping noises that sound like laughter.”

“Rats naturally have a pleasant perfume-like scent.”

Ummm. No. I could give a rat’s ass (pun intended) what those critters smell like or what sound they make when tickled. I – as the dominant species – can choose where to make my home, and my house mouse can either move out or die. The smart house mice across America will find ways to live elsewhere, and those mice will be the ones who reproduce. Liberals will hate that idea. Yes, the folks so eager to teach your children evolution are up in arms when I try to teach survival of the fittest!  If you really love nature, you will let nature run its course. As I learned from an ex-nun at preschool when Little Me’s pet goldfish died: “All living things die.” Some species will die out. Some new ones will pop up. The same chemicals that are harmful to people are harmful to animals. Protect people, protect animals.

Government has internalized the species-by-species approach to nature. Take Florida, for instance.

If you are convicted of a DUI in Florida, you can be jailed for a maximum of six months. You will be fined some amount ranging from $200 to $500. You will also have to do community service, serve a year’s probation, and live with a suspended license for a few months. If you destroy sea turtle eggs in Florida twice in one year, you can be jailed for a maximum of six months. You will be fined some amount ranging from $250 to $1000, plus an additional $100 for every “unit of marine life” killed. The price on the life of a drunk driver is equal to the price of five sea turtle lives under Florida law.

I know, the turtles are cute.  But still!

Now, driving drunk and killing sea turtles are both terrible things to do. But messing with sea turtles has little chance of killing a human being. Thousands are killed by drunk drivers every year. You could run over a sea turtle or step on a nest accidentally, yet their punishments are remarkably similar.

It’s also interesting that the same folks who have no problem with taking the life of an unborn child are the ones who will be horrified at the thought of messing with an unhatched sea turtle.

If liberals cared about animal welfare and not just about making noise, they would tell you that one of the best ways to ensure the long-term survival of a species is to farm it for food. For example, ten years ago, bison were dying out. Now, they’re a species alive and well in the American West. Ted Turner owns about 55,000 heads of bison. He doesn’t do this just out of the goodness of his heart, though I’d imagine that’s part of it – each of Ted’s ranches is a fully functioning business. If you’ve ever been to Ted’s Montana Grill, you have contributed to Ted’s conservation effort.

Liberal scare tactics will never make me okay with a mouse in my house. And I don’t believe government when it says the lives of six sea turtles are more valuable than the life of one human being. When an extremely wealthy man saves a species by 1) running a business and 2) perpetuating the consumption of meat, I think it is fair to say that the liberal dogma of crunchy hippie Birkenstock conservationism ought to go the way of the dodo.

Angela Morabito :: Georgetown University :: Washington, DC :: @_AngelaMorabito