What is in the water in Washington D.C.?

It seems like Presidents and Presidential candidates have a problem with, well, keeping their pants on.

Why this new wave of presidential promiscuity? What happened to the good old days when some grandfatherly type took the presidency and pardoned a few turkeys, passed a couple of budgets, and dropped the occasional A-bomb? Since when did loving your constituents come to mean actually “loving” your constituents?

News flash for you rosy liberal types…We have had “pimps” in chief for as long as the country has been around.

What if a Presidential candidate today admitted to owning slaves and fathering children with said slaves? Would you vote for him? No? Well, America, you did.

Thomas Jefferson, our nation’s first Libertarian president, main author of the Declaration of Independence, and greatest ginger of all time (closely followed by Shaun White) is known for fathering children with a house slave named Sally Hemings.

Forget the almost lost century of the boring Presidents and jump to the Presidential race of ’84…1884 that is.

You remember? The moral days of bow ties and mutton chops?

Not hardly.

James G. Blaine (the continental liar from the state of Maine? Yeah, that guy) famously slammed Grover Cleveland for hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing with a certain lady named Maria Crofts Halpin. Cleveland admitted to the affair, but was unsure if he was the father of the child Halpin bore, but ended up assuming the responsibility.

The Republicans chanted “Ma? Ma? Where’s my Pa?” poking fun at Cleveland’s mess, yet after the votes came in, it was the Democrats with the last laugh and they answered the Republican chant with “Gone to the White House! Ha Ha Ha!”

Making Grover Cleveland the first “Baby-daddy in chief.”

Beyond that, the king of big government, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, was a ladies man, as was his closeted lesbian wife. Rumor has it, FDR was with his mistress when he passed away, and his body was sent by train to meet up with his wife, who was with her mistress at the time, so they could return to the capitol together. That’s messed up.

Fast forward to today’s day and time, between Bill Clinton’s Oval Office antics, John Edwards’ cutting back on the $400 haircuts to pay child support for his love-child, and Herman Cain allegedly delivering more than just pizza, the American people have started choosing between the “lesser of two trollops.”

So when you hear the media drone on and on about the increasing immorality in the presidential races of today, be sure to write them and tell them, that these generations only learned from the kinky ways of the past.

Johnny Cash said it best, “Love is a burning thing.”

Hefner 2012.


Tanner Salyers | Pensacola Christian College | Pensacola, Florida | @Tanner_Salyers

Don’t believe what I just said?

I invite you to check the holy arbiter of truth…Wikipedia.

For more on Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings:


For more on Grover Cleveland and Maria Halpin:


For more on Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt(but mostly Eleanor):


For everything else, turn on FOX News occasionally, will ya?

If that wasnt enough proof for you and you still want to debate the matter, I’ll assume you’re a progressive who is blind to historical fact. Thanks for viewing TheCollegeConservative but I think you were actually looking for MoveOn.org.

For directions to MoveOn.org:

Type “How to not use logic” into Google…which, as you already know, was invented by Al Gore.