I’ve long desired living a life free of government molestation. Not necessarily anarchy, but certainly a form of minarchism, in which the state only engages in legitimate government functions. Up until recently, that Utopia of sorts has perpetually eluded me. However, I’ve finally found that safe haven, and that’s why I’m joining the Black Panther Party.

The Black Panther Party enjoys freedoms of which their law-abiding counterparts could only dream. The Justice Department, led by Attorney General Eric Holder, absolutely refuses to uphold justice, especially when it comes to controversial and illegal actions by the Black Panthers.

Once I become a full-fledged member, I will have the exclusive ability to break myriad laws, without risk of legal consequence. I will effectively be able to:

-Commit electioneering fraud by intimidating voters with billy clubs

-Wear a hoodie on the floor of the House of Representatives

-Engage in declared hate crimes as a protest to supposed hate crimes

-Offer bounties on fellow American citizens, dead or alive

If I should do any of these things, I will enjoy unwavering protection from prosecution, compliments of Attorney General Eric Holder. His inaction in responding to these events ensures consistency in enforcing similar acts moving forward. I wonder, would he still refuse to enforce federal laws if the bounty was issued against himself or his family?

Scared of the Black Panther Party? No need to be. After reading over the membership rules a couple of times, I discovered that the best way to protect yourself from their actions is to actually join the party yourself. You should join simply because rule 8 states that they cannot commit crimes against other party members. If we all join, this should ensure everyone’s safety. We can all get billy clubs.

It is interesting to me how the Justice Department continually promotes injustice. It sues South Carolina whenever the state tries to enforce federal immigration laws, blocks Texas’ voter ID law which was designed to help combat voter fraud, and now permits my future party to issue dead or alive bounties against American citizens. It’s also interesting to me how the Black Panther Party receives no scrutiny for their published death threats, yet the Tea Party is the main focus of an IRS attack due to the fact that they wish to obtain tax-exempt status. Holder’s application of the law is very interesting indeed. Interesting, but consistent. He upholds injustice in every single instance.

For the reasons stated above, it makes perfect sense to join the Black Panther Party for those that wish to be free of government coercion. I cannot think of another group that gets this much leeway in the application of the law. Besides, being a member of the group that J. Edgar Hoover described as “the greatest threat to the internal security of the country” is actually pretty cool. Would that make me a terrorist? In any event, I will be joining the Black Panthers post-haste.

However, after carefully looking over the published membership rules one last time, I discovered that I cannot actually join because I’m white. Well played, Mr. Holder.

Jeffrey Max | Texas Wesleyan University | Fort Worth, Texas | @JeffreyMaxxx