Kim Kardashian is possibly the most recognizable celebrity in the world, more famous than any president or statesman. And yet, we’re not quite sure why she’s so famous. It could be because of Kanye, or maybe her unique anatomy that somehow landed her a reality TV show.
Ultimately, however, that stuff doesn’t really matter. What matters is that a lot of people across the world recognize her, and when she speaks, people listen. More to the point, she has an incredible ability to advertise products and messages that reach millions. Just look at her latest tweets this week (#KIMOJI). She is incredibly good at selling a message and crafting an image people will buy into.
Enter: United States’ foreign policy. It pretty much boils down to protecting American interests by promoting and fostering democracy across the globe.
The current administration has thrown that #SpreadingDemocracy work on the back burner. It also seems willing to work with dictators (by inviting “The Death Squad Mayor” to the white house) to secure American interests. However, US foreign policy at its core remains the promotion, spreading, and sustainment of a liberal democratic world order. Because history shows that global “democracy yields the most prosperity.”
Prosperity through endless product promotions is something Kim Kardashian knows a thing or two about. Plus, spreading democracy is similar to selling a product. Moreover, we have examples of Kim’s thoughts (or lack thereof) in how she deals with the world around her, obtained through a celebrity mind reading app called twitter.
Below are three short statements from Kim Kardashian, and an explanation of how she might apply them in conducting US foreign policy. We’ll give her eight full years as secretary of State with a President Kanye, just to ensure that her ideas are actually tested and their results are revealed across the globe.
When soft power doesn’t work when persuading other states to do something America wishes, the Secretary of State can threaten to use hard power. Hence, as Secretary Kardashian would threaten: “I might bring it back.” Meaning, she might be inclined to make it rain cruise missiles over a particular country and, god forbid, create another Hiroshima and Nagasaki mushroom cloud event like the US has done in the past.
Threatening to “bring it back” is so open that one may even think that she’s alluding to torture. This should definitely send chills along the spines of America’s adversaries. Lets hope that when she threatens, she does’t pull the “Obama red line” card.
Sometimes, bad press–especially from the foreign press corps and adversarial heads of state that like to throw shade on top American officials–will reach Secretary Kardashian’s iPhone and the Twitter feeds of millions of people. Secretary Kardashian’s reaction is it to take to Twitter and complain about how awful the press and those rogue leaders are for making stuff up.
Yes, Secretary Kardashian may not have “stomped a dog to death.” She may have suffocated it by sitting on it. But she recognizes that there are really awful people around the world, and knowing this is part of accepting the reality the world is in.
Accepting this reality goes a long way in avoiding utopian thinking. She will never have too much hope and overly high expectations (#Obama), only to be disappointed after eight years when the world is still a burning dumpster and she has nothing to show for her efforts besides agreements that can be ripped apart by the following president in less than a week.
Christine Lagarde, the powerful IMF chief, knows there are times when speaking with high powered men when they tend to stop listening to women speakers and lose focus. To cure this horrible disease, all Secretary Kardashian has to say is “I’m naked,” and they will immediately pay laser-like focus to her. They will eagerly absorb the important policy details Secretary Kardashian is speaking about, which can get pretty boring when topics like offshore balancing are discussed.
Furthermore, foreign leaders will want to cooperate more with Secretary Kardashian, and foster good relations with her to be on her good side. They may even get a twofie instead of those stiff-looking official handshake photos. (I mean, who wouldn’t want a twofie with an Olympic-level selfie-taker?). They would be discouraged from doing something that goes against the wishes of the Secretary of State–a win for securing American interests!
Vladimir Putin, a top US adversary, may even think of ways to have a closer relationship with her majesty Kardashian. (This isn’t that hard, considering the endless ways one might use to blackmail the Kardashians.) Putin will just have to make sure that the relationship doesn’t get too hot, turning from a cold war to a hot war. Secretary Kardashian would be well prepared for that, because she’s already “naked” and ready to handle that type of climate.