US Secretary for Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson unveiled plans for American colonization of planet Mars today at a press conference in Cape Canaveral, Florida. The project is a joint initiative with NASA and numerous other agencies, with Ben Carson as the leader.
Carson said that the plan “will be the next huge leap for America and for the other humans residing on Earth.”
“Humans will be proud of the achievements made by the administration of the greatest American president that ever lived” Carson said. Adding that “Donald J. Trump’s accomplishments will catapult the United States as a leader in space exploration and colonization.”
The plan is estimated to cost approximately $400 billion dollars in initial research, and $1 trillion more for every year that humans reside on the Red Planet. “The humans will live in specially made high rise units on the southern hemisphere of the planet,” Carson said, “to avoid meteors and volcanic eruptions–which occur almost daily on the northern regions.”
Carson did not specify how exactly the project will be funded, especially at a time when large tax cuts are imminent and will reduce the federal government’s revenue. But he showed hope for miracles provided by “the great leader Donald J. Trump.”
“We are still putting together plans on how we will fund the project,” Carson said.
“We have several ideas including a partnership with the head of SpaceX, Elon Musk. And we also have to be open to the possibilities of miracles. Like the brain, for example. The brain is a miracle. If something like the brain can happen, then anything can happen. I have opened thousands of brains and I have examined their peculiar qualities. And let me tell you, it’s amazing what the brain can do, especially when it’s electrocuted.”
Reporters asked if human colonizers will have their brains electrocuted to accomplish the extremely challenging feat. Carson responded: “Yes, you can guarantee that their brains will be fried.”
The first trip is planed for March 2020.
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EDITOR’S NOTE: In case you couldn’t tell, yes, the above piece was satire.